Scans

Tomorrow is William's first follow up PET/CT scan. (we re-rescheduled from the 15th back to the tomorrow, the 22nd) I wish I could say that we are feeling optimistic, trusting in God's sovereignty, and making the most of this reminder of our mortality. But we are not. William is not feeling well and hasn't for a few weeks. He is scared. I am scared. I am bitter and irritable and tired of "bad" news. I am not trusting in the God of the universe who I know spoke everything into being and knew before the beginning of time every trial we would face in our momentary lives.

Somewhere in the midst of my step-mom's brain surgery, diagnoses, doctors appointments, second opinion, passing and planning for her "party", William's own health has deteriorated and he spent most of today in his recliner. He has random yet suspicious symptoms of what seem at this moment to all point to more bad news.

At times, I find comfort in the promises of God, that those who suffer "for a little while" (1 Peter 1:6) in this life will experience the "steadfast love" (Psalms 63:3) of the Lord forever. FOREVER.

Why is it that, at other times, the promise of God's love forever is not enough to comfort me? Not enough to keep me from tears or bitterness or being short with those I love? The truth is, it's because I am trying not to do or be those things in my own strength, and I cannot even choose to breath in my own strength. I'm not relying on the God who commands me to "rejoice insofar as you share in Christ's sufferings." (1 Peter 4:13)

My flesh wants me to try harder, be kinder, stronger, better. But I cannot. I can only surrender myself to Him who created me, sustains me and will one day call me home to partake in the fullness of His joy.