If not us, then who?

The only institution large enough 

to address foster care in this country is the church.

~ Dennis Rainey

I hope and pray that this past month has stirred something in you, given you ideas for practical next steps and opened your eyes to American orphans.

Orphans are the most vulnerable people group in the United States. You may not be called to foster care but you are commanded to care for them in some way.

Will you commit to praying about your response?

I. WAS. WRONG. {Repost in honor of National Foster Care Month}

This post was originally published on November 16, 2012.

It is BY FAR the most popular post and the most prayed over post I have ever written.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Our foster care social worker makes a visit to our house once a month to see how we are doing as a foster home. She is assigned to look after us; the boys and their mother have another worker assigned to look after them and work towards the goal of reunification.

Our worker, we’ll call her “Susan”, was here last week and we were talking about how understaffed the department is. SO understaffed, she almost called us about a baby. A baby with a “concurrent” goal. (For those of you not in the foster care world, the term “concurrent” means they are working towards adoption for this baby.) Did I mention we're talking about a BABY?

Susan knows we are not in the place to adopt a baby. Susan knows we have our "hands full". Susan knows we have a little boy in the Congo coming home soon-ish. But she had no one else to call. “All of our homes are full.” she told me. “We don’t have enough homes – even for babies.”

Do those words stop you in your tracks? Not enough homes? For babies? In Kentucky?

Say What!?!

William and I never intended to become foster parents. We never even considered adopting domestically. The thought literally never crossed our minds.

Do you ever speak words that come back to haunt you? I did once. Ok, a few times, but at least once on this very topic.

The day before "T" and "M" came to live with us I attended Created for Care, a retreat/conference for adoptive moms. I was speaking with a woman whose family had been praying about starting the journey of adopting from Ethiopia. She asked me a question I could tell had been on her mind for some time. She asked me how I answer people who want to know why we are adopting from Africa and not “here”. Here being in the US.

I gave my wise Christian answer (insert sarcasm here) - we prayed about it and feel like God has our children in Africa... and then I told her the need is greater there. Kids in the US have roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their tummies. Their parents are not dying of AIDS at alarming rates and they are not dying themselves of dirty water. Simple. The need is greater. I. Spoke. Those. Words.

Friends, I was wrong. Hear me. I. WAS. WRONG.

While yes, children in Africa (or Russia or India or Haiti) are more likely to be on the streets in the only shirt they own begging for food and living in a cardboard box because their parents are dead or sick, the effect parentlessness has on them is NO GREATER than the effect of parentlessness on vulnerable children right “here”.

Dr. Purvis says “their brains are different”. Kids from "hard places" - their brains are different. The reason their brains are different is because of the lack of nurturing they received prenatally and during the first few years of their lives.

Their brains are different because no one nurtured them.

No one met their needs.

No one loved them.

There are six risk factors that put a child into this category: difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, early hospitalization, abuse, neglect and trauma. (Certainly malnutrition plays a critical role and can have dramatic affects on development but a child who was hungry and nurtured will be better off than a child who had a full belly but no nurture.)

When T and M came to live with us I was SHOCKED to see the exact same behaviors we had read about and come to expect from our little one coming to us from an orphanage in a third world country. In my naive mind they would be "normal". They had a roof, clothes and food. (most of the time) They even had a parent. I thought they would be a little shaken up but fair pretty well.

I was wrong.

Their brains are different BUT their needs are the same. The same as children in Africa. Children in Russia, India and Haiti. The need for lovers of Jesus to fight for them is the same.

When we went through foster care training over the summer our instructor shared statistics that were startling to me at the time. I just didn't know:

246 kids in foster care ages 0 - 5

118 kids in care ages 6 - 11

344 kids in care ages 12 - 18

50 kids in care ages 19 - 21 (this number may be the saddest as these kids are holding out to the very last minute for a family to call their own)

Nearly 800 kids are in foster homes in Jefferson County. 800 kids. Ironically, in the state of Kentucky there are 800 KIDS READY TO BE ADOPTED. Did you know that? Six months ago, I did not.

There are a lot of myths regarding foster care and adopting from the foster system. Unfortunately, the only stories that receive media attention are ones where a birth parent shows up years later and demands their kid back. Or stories of kids who linger in the states care for years and years. While these things do happen, they are not the norm in Kentucky. More importantly, the system may be broken, but God is sovereign.

No one reading these words is immune from receiving a phone call today that will change their life. Your life. My life. We are not in control. Of anything. Biological kids, internationally adopted kids, foster kids.They all belong to Him.

Did you know...

Did you know adopting from foster care is essentially free? FREE.

Did you know biological parents have no way of gaining back custody of their children once parental rights are terminated? NO. WAY.

Did you know children enter foster care through no fault of their own? They are victims of the adults who were supposed to take care of them.

Did you know in the state of Kentucky the Safe Families for Children Act prevents kids from lingering in the system?

Did you know you are provided a per diem to care for the foster kids in your home? Did you know this per diem continues for most children even after they have been adopted? Did you know kids from foster care can go to any state college for free?

Did you know you can take your foster kids across state lines, enroll them in daycare and have babysitters?

Did you know you will get attached?

And it will be hard?

It will.

In the paraphrased words of Amy Monroe "You can handle getting attached and getting hurt. You're an adult. You can handle it. They are kids."

These kids you are afraid of loving too much - they are dying for someone to love them like that. While they are not dying from poverty, disease or hunger, their needs are the same.

If you'd like to learn more about adopting from foster care in KY visit the KY Department for Family Services. If you are interested in foster care or adoption in another state visit Focus on the Family.

My prayer is that this post would shine a light on the needs of children right "here". Please contact me if you have questions about our experience or if I can help you prayerfully begin the journey of foster care. lindsy.wallace AT gmail DOT com

 

a glimpse of Jesus...

"To love is to risk. Opening your home to a foster kid will be emotionally difficult. It's inconvenient. It's hard. It's messy. It's exhausting. I guarantee it.

But all too often, selfishness keeps us from taking care of these children. Somewhere along the way, in our concern for an easy, happy, comfortable life, we may be missing the heart of the gospel - to seek and save the lost, to reach out to the forgotten and the oppressed, to love sacrificially, and to pour our lives out so that others can catch a glimpse of Jesus.

If the only reason we refuse to get involved in foster care is because "it is too hard emotionally" or "we can't handle saying goodbye." we may need to repent of self-absorption. We must ask ourselves the question: Do we truly love our neighbor as we love ourselves? What if a foster child is the "neighbor" that God has brought into our path to love?"

~ Johnny Carr, Orphan Justice 

FAQ's (National Foster Care Month)

///DISCLAIMER: I am not a foster care expert. I have been in this game for a whopping seven months. These answers are based on our experience in Kentucky. If you'd like to learn more about foster care in KY visit the KY Department for Family Services. If you are interested in foster care in another state visit Focus on the Family.///

 

 

 

 

Who can become foster parents? Adults over 21, married couples and singles.

 

How much training in required? The State of KY requires 30 hours of initial training and 6 hours each year as continuing education.

 

Why are kids in foster care? What did they do? Children enter foster care through no fault of their own. They are victims of neglect of abuse from the adults who were supposed to take care of them.

 

Will I have to have contact with their birth parents? Most likely no; although is will depend on the situation. In some cases, it is not safe for the birth family to know where their child is. In others, contact is appropriate and beneficial for the children and the birth parent. Your social worker will determine this with you.

 

Can you request certain ages/genders/number of children? Yes, your social worker who completes your home study will work with your family on the best fit for your home and current family members.

 

Are only older kids available to foster/adopt? NO! Every month when our worker visits she shares with me how there are not enough homes for babies. Babies in KY have no home to go out of the hospital to!

 

Do foster parents pay for the expenses for the kids? Foster parents are provided a per Diem to care for the foster kids in your home. In MOST cases, this per Diem continues after the child has been adopted. Health care is also provided for the child and in KY, kids from foster care can go to any state college for free!

Can I take my foster child across state lines, enroll them in daycare and have babysitters? Yes. In some cases biological parents and/or state supervisors will need to approve travel. Daycare centers and babysitters have to be approved by the state but the process if (fairly) pain free.

 

How much does it cost to adopt from foster care? It is essentially FREE. There are attorney costs but the state will reimburse you for the majority of these fees.

 

Can biological parents gain back custody of their kids? No. Once parental rights are terminated, biological parents cannot gain them back.

Will it be hard? Will I get attached? Yes and Yes. In the paraphrased words of Amy Monroe "You can handle getting attached and getting hurt. You're an adult. You can handle it. They are kids."

 

What did I miss? Please ask away in the comments section or send me an email! 

 

The Need is Real {National Foster Care Month}

May is National Foster Care Month!

You may be asking yourself, "Why do we need National Foster Care Month?"

I'm SO glad you asked!

We need it for two reasons. Because the need is REAL and because the command is CLEAR.

Let's start with the Need.

In the United States there are over 400,500 children in the foster care system.
In Kentucky there are over 7,000 children in foster homes.
In Jefferson County (Louisville, KY) there are over 800 children in foster homes.

Later this month we'll talk about WHO those children are but right now, feel the weight of these numbers.

Stop. Feel it. Because they are not just numbers. They are children.

Think about 400,500 children going to bed tonight in our country without their parents. Kids in your state. In your town. In your neighborhood. The need is REAL.

And the command is CLEAR.

Remember what Jesus said about children?  “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Scripture is FULL of passages about orphans and the poor. I think we can agree anytime scripture talks about the poor, orphans are included. 

 

You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child.

If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me,

I will surely hear their cry,

Exodus 22:22 - 23

 

O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear
to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Psalm 10:17 - 18

 

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this:

to visit orphans and widows in their affliction,

and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

James 1:27

 

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
is God in his holy habitation.
God settles the solitary in a home;
he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

Psalm 68:5 - 6

 

 “When you reap your harvest in your field and forget a sheaf in the field,

you shall not go back to get it.

It shall be for the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow,

that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.

Deuteronomy 24:19

 

learn to do good;
seek justice,
correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless,
plead the widow's cause.

Isaiah 1:17

 

Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me

Matthew 18:5

 

And the King will answer them,

‘Truly, I say to you,

as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,

you did it to me.’

Matthew 25:40

 

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

John 14:18

 

Open your mouth for the mute,
for the rights of all who are destitute.

Open your mouth, judge righteously,
defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Proverbs 31:8 - 9

 

 

These are God's holy words to us, his hands and feet, when it comes to caring for the orphaned, the widowed, the poor and the destitute. To paraphrase our pastor's Orphan Sunday message, at some point, the gospel has to compel us to practically DO SOMETHING.

 

 

The state's job is to protect children but the state cannot and does not nurture children and point them to the only One who can heal him. His bride must do that. If not us, then who?

 

 

I'm excited (and a bit overwhelmed!) about the posts I have planned for this month! Follow along to learn more about the American orphan crisis and hear other foster parents, former foster kids, social workers and more share their experiences with foster care!

 

 

If you are new around here check out this post where I share how I WAS WRONG about American orphans and foster care.

PS (Dear Me Part Two)

(You can read part one of this post here.)

PS pre-four-kids-under-the-age-of-five-self:

A few things I forgot to mention (because little people are like memory leaches)...

Many books and resources about managing a large family will tell you to include the above mentioned leaches in the daily chores and house cleaning as a way of "training" them. That's great. And sometimes it works. It is also completely acceptable to put them in front of the TV and do it yourself because it takes 1/100th the amount of time.

The urine smell that permeates your house even after you have scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom? It is the shower curtain. Wash that sucker.

Do not make two meals. I repeat, do not make two meals. Once you do it they will never ever forget the time you made them something else because they didn't like the perfectly acceptable meal you first presented them with. Don't do it. They will not starve.

Just smile. When you are out in public and people give you strange looks or you hear "You've got your hands full" for the 50th time that week... Just smile. It's not worth it.

"Mama where am I from?" "You were born in Indiana" "Oh. I was just wondering where I am from. Did you lay me?" - Moses (bio) March 2013

Don't neglect your "first" kids. They may not be tantruming or having night terrors or screaming curse words at you but they are having a hard time too. Figure out a way to get them some one-on-one time AND time out of the house and away from the craziness. One day they will get it but right now it is hard. Don't overlook them.

Someone will say it. Those words you dread hearing. Those words that are most unhelpful and unloving and unsympathetic - "This is what you wanted isn't it?" They will say it at just the wrong time and they will have no idea how hurtful it is. It may come from someone who loves you very much and wants to be helpful and loving and sympathetic. You must forgive them. They don't know and you didn't either.

Your family will never be normal again and that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. You will find a new normal. You will emerge from survival mode with a new family who is closer and stronger and more like Jesus. Normal families may not understand you or your new way of living. Those normal families have no idea what they are missing.

Oh, and your husband wants you to know that if you practiced half of what you preach your life would be much easier.

Eshet chayil!

Mama of four-kids-under-the-age-of-five,

Summit 9. Go there.

Are you going to Summit 9? You should. 

Quick explanation: Summit is the national conference of The Christian Alliance for Orphans’ and has become the national hub for what Christianity Today recently called, “the burgeoning Christian orphan care movement.”

The schedule includes heavy hitters like David Platt and Randy Alcorn and  has several workshop tracks including Art, Advocacy and Orphans, Building Church Orphan Ministries, Engaging Effectively for Orphans Worldwide, Loving Children with Special Needs, Strengthening the Family and much more!

I'm drooling over the Engaging Effectively for Orphans Worldwide myself.

Ok, so go register. The price is affordable, the experience is unforgettable and everyone knows someone in Nashville whose couch you can crash on.

Will we see you there?

both/and NOT either/or

My post from Friday initiated some really wonderful conversation in the comments and on Facebook. One of my favorites was "We call that having a both/and approach to kids instead of an either/or approach. There are kids here and there and they all are in need of healing!"

With that in mind I wanted to share some practical ideas for a "both/and" approach to orphan care. Not everyone is called to foster or adopt but there IS something for everyone! I hope you find something on this list for you!

Helping Kids Here...

Make dinner for a foster family. (If you don't know any I will give you our address:-)

Donate clothes and other items for kids going into foster care.

Become a Life Coach for a teenager in foster care.

Become a host family for the Safe Families for Children program.

Become a foster family.

Become certified to provide respite care for a foster family.

Become a CASA worker. 

Share this post.

Helping Kids There...

Participate in Samaritans Purse or a container project.

Follow blogs or websites highlighting waiting children and pray them home.

Donate your birthday - give money or items to your favorite orphan care ministry. (local or abroad)

Support an adopting family by buying their fund raising "stuff".

Sponsor a child.

Sponsor a mom.

Sponsor a teacher.

I Was Wrong

Our foster care social worker makes a visit to our house once a month to see how we are doing as a foster home. She is assigned to look after us; the boys and their mother have another worker assigned to look after them and work towards the goal of reunification.

Our worker, we’ll call her “Susan”, was here last week and we were talking about how understaffed the department is. SO understaffed, she almost called us about a baby. A baby with a “concurrent” goal. (For those of you not in the foster care world, the term “concurrent” means they are working towards adoption for this baby.) Did I mention we're talking about a BABY?

Susan knows we are not in the place to adopt a baby. Susan knows we have our "hands full". Susan knows we have a little boy in the Congo coming home soon-ish. But she had no one else to call. “All of our homes are full.” she told me. “We don’t have enough homes – even for babies.”

Do those words stop you in your tracks? Not enough homes? For babies? In Kentucky?

Say What!?!

William and I never intended to become foster parents. We never even considered adopting domestically. The thought literally never crossed our minds.

Do you ever speak words that come back to haunt you? I did once. Ok, a few times, but at least once on this very topic.

The day before "T" and "M" came to live with us I attended Created for Care, a retreat/conference for adoptive moms. I was speaking with a woman whose family had been praying about starting the journey of adopting from Ethiopia. She asked me a question I could tell had been on her mind for some time. She asked me how I answer people who want to know why we are adopting from Africa and not “here”. Here being in the US.

I gave my wise Christian answer (insert sarcasm here) - we prayed about it and feel like God has our children in Africa... and then I told her the need is greater there. Kids in the US have roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their tummies. Their parents are not dying of AIDS at alarming rates and they are not dying themselves of dirty water. Simple. The need is greater. I. Spoke. Those. Words.

Friends, I was wrong. Hear me. I. WAS. WRONG.

While yes, children in Africa (or Russia or India or Haiti) are more likely to be on the streets in the only shirt they own begging for food and living in a cardboard box because their parents are dead or sick, the effect parentlessness has on them is NO GREATER than the effect of parentlessness on vulnerable children right “here”.

Dr. Purvis says “their brains are different”. Kids from "hard places" - their brains are different. The reason their brains are different is because of the lack of nurturing they received prenatally and during the first few years of their lives.

Their brains are different because no one nurtured them. 

No one met their needs. 

No one loved them.

There are six risk factors that put a child into this category: difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, early hospitalization, abuse, neglect and trauma. (Certainly malnutrition plays a critical role and can have dramatic affects on development but a child who was hungry and nurtured will be better off than a child who had a full belly but no nurture.)

When T and M came to live with us I was SHOCKED to see the exact same behaviors we had read about and come to expect from our little one coming to us from an orphanage in a third world country. In my naive mind they would be "normal". They had a roof, clothes and food. (most of the time) They even had a parent. I thought they would be a little shaken up but fair pretty well.

I was wrong.

Their brains are different BUT their needs are the same. The same as children in Africa. Children in Russia, India and Haiti. The need for lovers of Jesus to fight for them is the same.

When we went through foster care training over the summer our instructor shared statistics that were startling to me at the time. I just didn't know:

246 kids in foster care ages 0 - 5

118 kids in care ages 6 - 11

344 kids in care ages 12 - 18

50 kids in care ages 19 - 21 (this number may be the saddest as these kids are holding out to the very last minute for a family to call their own)

Nearly 800 kids are in foster homes in Jefferson County.  800 kids. Ironically, in the state of Kentucky there are 800 KIDS READY TO BE ADOPTED. Did you know that? Six months ago, I did not.

There are a lot of myths regarding foster care and adopting from the foster system. Unfortunately, the only stories that receive media attention are ones where a birth parent shows up years later and demands their kid back. Or stories of kids who linger in the states care for years and years. While these things do happen, they are not the norm in Kentucky. More importantly, the system may be broken, but God is sovereign. 

No one reading these words is immune from receiving a phone call today that will change their life. Your life. My life. We are not in control. Of anything. Biological kids, internationally adopted kids, foster kids.They all belong to Him.

Did you know...

Did you know adopting from foster care is essentially free? FREE.

Did you know biological parents have no way of gaining back custody of their children once parental rights are terminated? NO. WAY.

Did you know children enter foster care through no fault of their own? They are victims of the adults who were supposed to take care of them.

Did you know in the state of Kentucky the Safe Families for Children Act prevents kids from lingering in the system?

Did you know you are provided a per diem to care for the foster kids in your home? Did you know this per diem continues for most children even after they have been adopted? Did you know kids from foster care can go to any state college for free?

Did you know you can take your foster kids across state lines, enroll them in daycare and have babysitters?

Did you know you will get attached? 

And it will be hard?

It will. 

In the paraphrased words of Amy Monroe "You can handle getting attached and getting hurt. You're an adult. You can handle it. They are kids."

These kids you are afraid of loving too much - they are dying for someone to love them like that. While they are not dying from poverty, disease or hunger, their needs are the same.

If you'd like to learn more about adopting from foster care in KY visit the KY Department for Family Services. If you are interested in foster care or adoption in another state visit Focus on the Family.

My prayer is that this post would shine a light on the needs of children right "here". Please contact me if you have questions about our experience or if I can help you prayerfully begin the journey of foster care. lindsy.wallace AT gmail DOT com