i'm not the point

This week was a rough one. [WARNING: EMOTIONS ARE A'FLOWING SO THIS MAY BE A RAMBLE. YOU WERE WARNED.]

For starters, we've been waiting on ONE document to move forward with the DRC court process. We've been told for several weeks that we should have it "soon" and this week the communication changed to "this week". But the week is over, and we don't have it. We are discouraged to say the least.

A little closer to home we are struggling, let me stress that, WE ARE STRUGG-UH-LING, with a situation involving a couple little boys we love dearly. Reflecting the nature of God and focusing on how He is at work in the lives of others when we just don't see it is unbelievably difficult.

I know that I should reflect the grace and mercy that has so freely been given to me.

BUT.

IT.

IS.

HARD.

It is hard because it cannot come from me. It is not within me to give grace and mercy freely.

I keep asking myself "When do I get to stop?". Stop giving grace and start judging. Stop giving mercy and start dishing out ultimatums. When do I get to walk away from this messy situation that pulls apart my heart on a daily basis and go back to living life with my sweet simple family?

The answer: I don't.

Because Jesus never did. He never stopped pursuing the broken. He never stopped pursuing me.

Ironically, I was scheduled to speak to a group of teenagers on Friday about caring for orphans and why it is central to the gospel. When I sat down to put together my presentation ON THURSDAY NIGHT AT 10 PM, I was empty. I was exhausted. I was frustrated and I was heartbroken.

"Hey teenagers, want to feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest, stomped on and sucked dry? Sign up here! Orphan care for life!"

Since I couldn't get into a groove and focus on my presentation I decided to self medicate unwind by checking my blog roll and came across this post.

I knew immediately, these words were penned for me.

"Cultivate a thankful heart. When we give thanks, when we look around us and see what we've been given, how we get to participate in God's work, that we get to witness grace and love and redemption, it should floor us. Who are we that we get to do this? Who are we that God would use us in this way? It's the antidote to the soul rot of bitterness and self-righteousness.

We aren't the point.

Jesus is."

Who am I that I get to love these boys? Who am I that I get to witness grace and love and redemption in their lives?

I am not the point. Jesus is.

So I prayed and thanked God for giving me this trial that, were it up to me, I would have bailed on yesterday. Or three months ago. I thanked Him for allowing me to particpate in His work.

Then on Friday afternoon, just a couple hours before my talk with the teenagers, the "trial" drove me to tears. Again. For like the third time this week.

I just don't get it. I don't see His plan and purpose and can't figure out what I am supposed to "do". (Mistake #357 Lindsy. You are not supposed to "do" anything. Just be obedient.)

I drove to the warehouse where I would share our story with the teenagers, the biblical mandate they are responsible for and provide them with practical ideas to get started.

I pulled into my parking space, turned off my car and I prayed. I prayed for the boys and I prayed for the teenagers. I asked God that they would not see me but see Jesus. That they would not hear my words but His.

As I walked the teenagers through our journey I was reminded of all I have to be thankful for. That we get to participate in God's work. That we get to reflect His love and mercy to the fatherless. That I don't have to do it because He will.

I am not the point. Jesus is.

And then, after I shared with the teenagers, they packaged over 5,000 meals for orphans in Haiti. They danced. They sang. (Really, they had a blast!) They participated in God's work of caring for the fatherless and I was humbled to be a part of it.

Who am I that I get to participate in this?