talking to former orphans about orphans

We have tried to raise kids who love orphans.

Actually, first, we have tried to raise kids who love Jesus and out of the overflow of their love for Jesus, we pray and have hope they love those He loves. We are still figuring all of this out.

How much we are still figuring it out becomes even more apparent when you have two former orphans living in your house. The words you use are now descriptive of your own family and aren't thrown around with the same amount of ease.

Since we have been in the process of adopting from the beginning of time, or at least the beginning of when Moses was able to talk, our kids are not strangers to the fact that some kids "don't have mommies and papa's." That is the way we have always described orphans to our kids. The orphans we sponsor, the orphans in our partner orphanage, the orphans we have tried to adopt: they "don't have mommies and papa's."

Recently I came face-to-face with how lacking our definition is. I overheard T and Moses talking in their room about "daddy". This caught my ear because we refer to William as "Papa" so I knew they were talking about T's father.

I was still trying to make out exactly what they were discussing when T came running into the room and announced "Miss Lindsy, I don't have a daddy." as if he was telling me he didn't have any clean underwear.

It was in that moment I realized our definition was empty and thoughtless. 

I can't share the details of T's birth parents, mostly because they are not mine to share, but what we were all taught in 5th grade sex-ed is: he does have a daddy. Somewhere, some man is his daddy.

I don't know him, his name or anything about him.

What I do know is something went tragically wrong in his life for him to walk away from this sweet boy. Painfully wrong. Sinfully wrong. Broken. Wrong.

Oh how I fumbled through my response to T that evening. As I tripped over my own words explaining to a four year old the way babies are made without really telling him how babies are made I was kicking myself - Why didn't I have a script for this?! Why didn't I have the forethought to expect this question and prepare for it?!

Thankfully, God is gracious and has allowed us to do a few things well in our parenting. As I was explaining a man and a woman made him, T interrupted me and said "But I thought God made me?"

Ah! Yes! God made you!

I fumbled again but it didn't matter, he was off and playing.

God used T to teach me two things that day:

One, orphans do have mommies and papa's. The tragedy of this broken world has disrupted God's design and they are not cared for by the two people who came together to make them, but they exist. Even if they have passed, even if they made horrendously selfish decisions, even if they are unknown; they deserve to be acknowledged and honored for the life they gave that child. 

I have to be honest, when we started our adoption journey four years ago, I wasn't thinking about those two people. Subconsciously, I think part of the appeal of international adoption was I would not have to think about those people. Or so I thought.

When I think of how unprepared I was four years ago, I'm thankful this journey has taken so long. I'm thankful for people like Carissa Woodwyk and Amy Monroe for sharing their stories so I can lead our kids as they explore their own stories. Because their stories include those two people.

The second thing God taught me through T that day is this: God made him. And them. And us. 

I knew this obviously, but it took a four year old to remind me. My job as his surrogate mother, and as the mother to all of our kids, is to remind them of this. Constantly.

I can't pretend to know the pain our kids from hard places feel and will continue to feel all of their lives. But I can point all of our kids to the One who heals. The One who made them and loves them. He is with them. Constantly.

Created for Care in pictures

My roomies and I left dark and early last Friday morning. 

I thought we could beat the ice storm heading our way but...

This was our view for about 4 (or 5?) hours.

All the ways our trip parallels the adoption journey?
Let's not even go there.

 But then we get to here. And here is SO. GOOD.

The sunrise from our room.

Me and my roomies.

Dear sister with a heart that beats to the same rhythm as mine.

There will be more. There is so much more than these pictures. 

But for now I'm still processing all God does 

in those short days and nights away at Created for Care.

takeaways - Created for Care

I am finally getting a few quiet moments to myself to share some thoughts from the Created for Care retreat.

Oh how wonderful it was!

I’m hoping and praying that the lessons learned will seep into my life and pour over into this online space for weeks and months and years to come.

It meant so much to me personally to attend the retreat. For one, it was in March which marked three years of being “in the process”. I expected March to be difficult and anticipated the retreat with a heavy heart.

I also discovered, exactly one week before I left town, that I would return to an increased level of craziness at our house and that if I was going to get sleep or rest any time soon, it needed to happen before coming home.  So one dark and rainy morning, a few friends and I headed south to Lake Lanier.

There is something special and kindred about being with other mamas whose babies came/will come from someone else’s womb. Sharing the stories, the heartbreak, God’s incredible provision and timing through it all. It is therapeutic.

 It’s also hard for those of us whose stories take longer than others.  Whose stories don’t yet have a happy ending. At times, I felt jealous and bitter. Prideful and judgmental.

I am thankful that God delivered me from those feelings and allowed me to embrace and celebrate with the lovely ladies who shared stories and pictures of the children God has grafted into their families.

Overall, the retreat was an emotional and insightful whirlwind. The schedule was FULL from waking to sleeping. I cried a LOT.  I have yet to make it through all any of the notes that I took. It will take me months to implement what I gleaned into the way I support my husband, parent my kids and care for orphans.

The most rewarding piece of Created for Care for me was sitting under the teaching of some amazing Godly women who are more experienced at life and wiser than I am. Women like Susan Hillis and Carissa Woodwyk and Cris Peters and Beth Templeton.

 

The weekend at Lake Lanier was just the tip of the iceberg of what I can learn from these ladies. I’m looking forward to attending Created for Care for years to come and already anticipate the wonderful teaching it will bring.

There were plenty of “ah-ha” moments over the three day weekend, but today I want to share something said in passing, not from a stage or from someone with a microphone. In the midst of conversation, someone commented “That’s what adoption blogs are for – people are just venting their frustrations.”

That comment, while not meant for me, felt like darts flying onto my forehead landing in big black letters - “VENTING FRUSTRATIONS”.  

When we switched the focus of this blog, my intention was not to be another adoption blog. Adoption blogs are great but we felt very surely and strongly that God had given us our journey, including all of the painful waiting and nuances, so that we could encourage and equip others to care for orphans. Not whine about our waiting. 

But for the past six months, there’s been a lot of venting my frustrations and whining going on around here…

Now I know that sharing our story openly and honestly is encouraging to some, and that being transparent about the hard parts of orphan care is a good thing. I believe that. BUT, I don’t know that a casual passer-by would scan my recent posts and think – “I need to care for orphans and this girl has some great practical ideas and encouragement for how to do that!”

We don’t know what the Lord has in store for our personal orphan care journey but we believe that caring for orphans is a biblical command for all believers, not a calling for some. We believe that God has called our family to this task of encouraging and equipping others and we want to be faithful to pursue it.

So, I’m resolving to vent less and encourage and equip more. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still frustrated, there will still be venting, just more encouraging and equipping to go along with it! I hope you'll keep visiting and feel encouraged and equipped to care for orphans, whatever that may look like for you!