Dear Me (an open letter to my pre-four-kids-under-the-age-of-five self)

Dear pre-four-kids-under-the-age-of-five-self,

You are about to go from two to four kids overnight. It will be fun and exciting and crazy. It will earn you interesting looks and comments like "did you bring your daycare kids to the zoo?" when you dare go out in public.

Here are some things it would have been handy to know ahead of time: 


First, write down everything they say. Examples to follow.

I know you're one of those crunchy green mamas - Get.Over. It. Buy napkins. The paper kind you don't have to wash. Same things goes for paper plates. And clorox wipes. This too shall pass.

Speaking of clorox wipes, keep them near the toilet. The one that will be used by three preschool boys approximately 536 times per day. Aim much?

Your double BOB is worth it's weight in gold. You'll be pushing four kids weighing a total of about 150 pounds. Someone will have to pry it from your cold dead hands.

Parenting someone else's kids is hard. Really hard. I got nothing to say to make that any easier. Just know it.

March 29, 2012 - T told Moses he didn't like him. Moses responded "Yes you do. I do lots of cool things!"

Run your dishwasher every night. Even when it is not full. I know, it makes your earth mama skin crawl. Just do it. Trust me. Waking up to dirty dishes is not a fun way to start the day.

Hand sanitizer is your friend. Washing and drying eight little hands is more work than it sounds. Buy a bunch and put one in every bag.

Baby wipes? Also your friend. Use them. On their faces and hands and anywhere else you might wipe.

Let some things go. For example, it's great to have a separate basket for each type of toy. But that ain't reality. Making beds? Let it go.

"My feet hurt because I ate yogurt and grapes and that makes my feet hurt." I have no idea what kid said that but I wrote it down, May 5, 2012

Stainless steel water bottles at every meal. Cups have to be washed. Water bottles? Not so much. If they start growing something looking oddly similar to black mold - wash them. I hear that happens.

Melatonin is your friend. Some people will poo-poo it. Those people have kids who sleep.

Pick your battles. Shirt on backwards? Who cares.

"When the sun come ups can we go to Halloween?" T, May 14, 2012

Take notes. Even if all you do is send yourself a coded email before collapsing into bed. When you can look back and see that bedtime use to take three and a half hours and now only takes one, you'll be glad you did.

Go to bed. Pinterest and Facebook may feel good now but you will regret it in the morning.

Get up before the little people do. Wake up for them not to them. This is easier said than done. Try to do it and give yourself grace when it doesn't happen.

Amazon Prime is your friend. Running out for a quick trip to Target ain't what it use to be. It now involves wondering if someone is going to call the police on the crazy lady, ahem you, "holding" the kicking screaming kid in the bathroom.

Have fun. Dance parties. Cupcakes for breakfast. Tents in the living room. Fun. Is. Good.

Keep the kids out of the bedroom. No kid toys, no kid clothes, no kid paraphernalia in the bedroom. Adult bedrooms are for one thing. Making kids.

Accept help. Yes you want meals brought over. Yes you need someone to pick something up while they are out. Yes you need those hand-me-down clothes. If no one offers, ask. Some folks just don't know how hard it is.

"Moses your feet are hairy. Like Esau's. And Mr. Williams." T, summer 2012

Don't be a slave to appointments. The therapists, doctors, social workers and judges (ok, maybe not the judges) are not in control of your life. Schedule the appointment when it makes the most sense for your crew, not when they have an opening.

Never ever ever forgo date night. There will be weeks when you live for it and it will be the only day of the week you shower and speak to an adult. The kid may cry while you are gone but you come back a much happier version of the burned out mama you were when you left. It's worth it.

Simplify the stuff. Kids from hard places are easily overstimulated. Cut the toys in half. Get rid of anything broken, missing pieces or with dead batteries.

Most everything you read in the books and learned in the classes is true. It will happen in your living room. Don't be so surprised. Take a deep breath, pray and do what you know to do. Then get yo'self a therapist girl. For you.

Find someone who gets it. You will need someone to laugh and cry with.Someone to drop meals on your porch and bring you kombucha. Someone to pray for your kids and help you google all the crazy things they do.

Last, love those kids with everything you've got. Life is short, these little years are much shorter. You are not promised tomorrow, focus on today.

Mama-of-four-kids-under-the-age-of-five,

linking up today with Lauren Casper at Traded Dreams

talking to former orphans about orphans

We have tried to raise kids who love orphans.

Actually, first, we have tried to raise kids who love Jesus and out of the overflow of their love for Jesus, we pray and have hope they love those He loves. We are still figuring all of this out.

How much we are still figuring it out becomes even more apparent when you have two former orphans living in your house. The words you use are now descriptive of your own family and aren't thrown around with the same amount of ease.

Since we have been in the process of adopting from the beginning of time, or at least the beginning of when Moses was able to talk, our kids are not strangers to the fact that some kids "don't have mommies and papa's." That is the way we have always described orphans to our kids. The orphans we sponsor, the orphans in our partner orphanage, the orphans we have tried to adopt: they "don't have mommies and papa's."

Recently I came face-to-face with how lacking our definition is. I overheard T and Moses talking in their room about "daddy". This caught my ear because we refer to William as "Papa" so I knew they were talking about T's father.

I was still trying to make out exactly what they were discussing when T came running into the room and announced "Miss Lindsy, I don't have a daddy." as if he was telling me he didn't have any clean underwear.

It was in that moment I realized our definition was empty and thoughtless. 

I can't share the details of T's birth parents, mostly because they are not mine to share, but what we were all taught in 5th grade sex-ed is: he does have a daddy. Somewhere, some man is his daddy.

I don't know him, his name or anything about him.

What I do know is something went tragically wrong in his life for him to walk away from this sweet boy. Painfully wrong. Sinfully wrong. Broken. Wrong.

Oh how I fumbled through my response to T that evening. As I tripped over my own words explaining to a four year old the way babies are made without really telling him how babies are made I was kicking myself - Why didn't I have a script for this?! Why didn't I have the forethought to expect this question and prepare for it?!

Thankfully, God is gracious and has allowed us to do a few things well in our parenting. As I was explaining a man and a woman made him, T interrupted me and said "But I thought God made me?"

Ah! Yes! God made you!

I fumbled again but it didn't matter, he was off and playing.

God used T to teach me two things that day:

One, orphans do have mommies and papa's. The tragedy of this broken world has disrupted God's design and they are not cared for by the two people who came together to make them, but they exist. Even if they have passed, even if they made horrendously selfish decisions, even if they are unknown; they deserve to be acknowledged and honored for the life they gave that child. 

I have to be honest, when we started our adoption journey four years ago, I wasn't thinking about those two people. Subconsciously, I think part of the appeal of international adoption was I would not have to think about those people. Or so I thought.

When I think of how unprepared I was four years ago, I'm thankful this journey has taken so long. I'm thankful for people like Carissa Woodwyk and Amy Monroe for sharing their stories so I can lead our kids as they explore their own stories. Because their stories include those two people.

The second thing God taught me through T that day is this: God made him. And them. And us. 

I knew this obviously, but it took a four year old to remind me. My job as his surrogate mother, and as the mother to all of our kids, is to remind them of this. Constantly.

I can't pretend to know the pain our kids from hard places feel and will continue to feel all of their lives. But I can point all of our kids to the One who heals. The One who made them and loves them. He is with them. Constantly.

broken system. sovereign God.

We officially have two FOSTER KIDS!

Never did I think I would be so excited and relieved to get kids into a broken system. God has confirmed we are on the path He has chosen for us and for these boys and while it is not the path we have chosen or expected, it is paved with His holy footprints having gone before us.

(If you're altogether confused about what and who I am talking about read here and here and here.)

I'll be honest, there are moments when I am frightened by the fact that the boys are in the custody of the state. That, while we can now take them to the doctor, enroll them in school and get them the counseling they need, we are still not "in control".

But then I remember, or someone lovingly reminds me, that we are never in control. Of anything. You'd think the past four years would have taught me that, huh?!

So here we are. In the midst of a broken situation inside a broken system. But the glorious thing about being here is that God has to work.

We can do nothing.

NOTHING.

God has to show up and He has to work.

He will either work through a broken system or He will work through broken people and breathe life into a broken family.

I don't know the Lord's ways. They are SO MUCH higher than my own.

I do know that He is able and I am trusting Him to be willing to work on behalf of these precious boys for their good and for His glory. The system may be broken but my God is sovereign.

“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.” ― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God 

UPDATE on the UPDATE

Thank you so much for your prayers!

Just a quick update on the prayer request...

The boys are with us. They are safe. They are fast asleep.

We don't know what will happen next. I would like to say we are getting use to that feeling. We are not.

Zephaniah 3:16 and 17 has been my mantra today...

On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
"Fear not, O Zion;
let not your hands grow weak.
The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

UPDATE on the spilled beans...

I shared a few weeks ago about our involvement with the Safe Families program and the unlikely direction our first placement took. THANK YOU to everyone who has prayed for the boys. Your prayers have surely kept them safe in the past 3 weeks!

I should admit I was initially hesitant to spill the beans in this space. I want to protect the privacy of the boys and of their mother. In the end I decided your prayers were more important to their well being, vital even, than it was for me to keep certain information private.

Tonight, I have decided the same thing. Your prayers are vital so I am coming to you again, asking that you be on your knees for our "extra boys".

Tonight the boys are with their grandfather who, as I said before, is a wonderful caring man. He cannot care for them long term but tonight they are safe.

They came to be with him through a difficult and heartbreaking set of circumstances. Where they will be tomorrow we do not know. Their options are limited. We feel like surely something will happen soon. There must be a breaking point, right?!

First, praise the Lord that He protected them during this time! 

Pray for their mother. The Lord knows her name, her heart and what she needs.

Pray for the boys grandfather as he communicates with her about next steps. 

Pray for T and M. Pray that the Lord would continue to guard their hearts. 

Pray that the reality of this situation would come into light quickly and that they would be removed from it. Pray for those involved in that process.  

Pray for us. I just found out the latest details a little while ago but have been extremely uneasy, anxious and upset today. Pray that my hope and trust would be in the Lord and not in what I can't control.

I am so thankful for each of you!

Bring the Ganger Family Home! (and an update on our "extra" boys)

I've mentioned before how awesome the adoption community is. Another great example of the awesomeness is this online auction created for the Ganger family. The Gangers are a family of four currently stuck in Uganda as they wait to become a family of six. They have to stay in country four - six weeks longer than they anticipated.

Some friends started the online auction because staying in another country for four - six weeks longer than you expected ain't cheap.

Please check out the auction! There are nearly one hundred items for sale, including baseball tickets, jewelry, art, gift cards, photography sessions, custom cakes, and more! All items have been donated so all proceeds go to support the Gangers adoption! The auction will close TOMORROW at NOON CST!

Go shop! Just don't outbid me:-)

Update on our "extra" boys - 

The boys spent the weekend with their grandfather who is a wonderful caring man. I spoke with him just after he got them and was heading to the park to tire them out before bedtime. We felt a huge sense of relief knowing where they were and that they were with someone safe BUT I still wanted to get my eyes and hands on them. That wasn't going to happen. I still felt unsettled.

A few minutes later I got a text from a friend. She was at the same park! She saw them! She talked to them! 

At that moment I realized how little I had been trusting in the Lord. I was still unsettled because I wasn't trusting that He was looking out for them and caring for them. My friend just happening to be at the same park at the same time was a visual reminder of what my worldly faith was failing to see. They belong to Him. He will care for them.

Currently, they are back in an unsafe, unhealthy situation and their whereabouts is not being shared with us or any of the other adults trying to do what is best for them. 

Thank you so much for praying. Please continue to pray for their protection. Pray that the reality of this situation would come into light quickly and that they would be removed from it. Pray for those involved in that process. 

THANK YOU!

spilling the beans... so that you'll be on your knees

I knew one day this post would come. I've started it in my head a dozen different times. It's never made it to paper or been pecked out on my keyboard. Until tonight.

But tonight is not how I wanted this to go. Tonight is hard. Tonight I am typing through tears as I wonder where two little boys are. I wonder if they are safe. Have they eaten? Has his diaper been changed? Who is with them? What are they doing? Has anyone told them they are loved and how precious they are?

On March 22nd, I met two little boys who have forever changed me. It wasn't something I shared here for reasons that are now irrelevant (or maybe not... but I'll deal with that later) but we are a "Host Family" for the Safe Families for Children program.

We learned about Safe Families last fall after Ethiopia denied our case. We knew it would take another year to bring home a kiddo from the DRC. We knew our home and hearts were ready for more kids. So we signed up.

As I've said before it is an amazing program. We adore the model. But 10% of the time, it doesn't work out. Reunification is not achieved.

We joked. "Watch, our first placement.. we'll be the 10%. We are the 10% people." 

We went through 30 hours of training and asked our home study agency and placement agency if it was ok. In that order.

Then nothing happened. The Louisville chapter was brand new and they didn't expect any placements until this summer.

But mid March I got an email. There were two kids who might need a host family. Would we be interested? I called William. I thought he would say no. He has always said we will grow our family one kid at a time. I thought he would extend this policy to hosting as well.

He didn't. He said "Well, that's why we signed up."

A few days went by and we waited. The mother of the children, who we found out were two and four year old boys, had some reservations about the program. She wanted to meet us.

(Side note: I have never wanted to look more normal in my life.)

We knew very little about the situation, only that mom had a mentor in her life who would be coming to the meeting along with our Safe Families case coach. We met at a pizza place. We came up with a transition plan.

We played at the park. They visited our house. They spent the night. And then they moved in.

One day there will be another post about the joys and trials of caring for two children who are not your own. The unbelievably funny things that four kids under the age of five talk about in the back of the van. What bedtime is like for kids who have never had a bedtime.

But this is not that post.

We realized pretty early on that our placement was not typical. That what Safe Families looks for in their families was not the make up of this family. So we did something we had never before discussed.

We became state certified foster parents.

Being approved to adopt internationally and being an approved host family are not the same thing as being able to care for kids in the care of the state. We felt like one day these boys may end up in the states care. If that happened they would not have been able to live with us. Unless we became state certified.

Then, what felt like suddenly, we were told that they would be transitioning back to mom. We had reservations about this but had no tangible reason to give. This is the reason we signed up for Safe Families, to preserve a family, but somehow it didn't feel like that. It felt wrong. It wasn't time.

What has happened since then, I'm not sure I can put into words. Everything I thought about caring for orphans has been challenged. (Everything except we are commanded to do it.) 

Everything I thought about adoption and birth parents and orphans in the US and attachment parenting and protecting your "own" family and redefining family... it was all tossed in the air and fell back down onto the Cross.

I have begged God to show me the next step. Just the next one, not the end. Just "what now?"

He still hasn't done that. We are still waiting. He is still writing this story.

Tonight, I do not know where those boys are. My heart is breaking for them because they probably don't know where they are either.

The situation has come to a critical point.  We believe what happens next will reveal our next step. What happens next will change the trajectory of all of our lives.

We need you to be on your knees. These boys need you to be on your knees. Pray for them. Pray for their protection. Pray for their hearts. Pray that they are bold and brave. Pray that the reality of the situation is seen by those who need to see it.

These boys belong to the Lord. He knows exactly where they are. They are in His hands. We are resting in this truth tonight.