Our foster care social worker makes a visit to our house once a month to see how we are doing
as a foster home. She is assigned to look after us; the boys and their mother
have another worker assigned to look after them and work towards the goal of
reunification.
Our worker,
we’ll call her “Susan”, was here last week and we were talking about how
understaffed the department is. SO understaffed, she almost called
us about a baby. A baby with a “concurrent” goal. (For those of you
not in the foster care world, the term “concurrent” means they are working
towards adoption for this baby.) Did I mention we're talking about a BABY?
Susan
knows we are not in the place to adopt a baby. Susan knows we have our "hands
full". Susan knows we have a little boy in the Congo coming home soon-ish. But
she had no one else to call. “All of our homes are full.” she told me. “We
don’t have enough homes – even for babies.”
Do those
words stop you in your tracks? Not enough homes? For babies? In Kentucky?
Say What!?!
William and
I never intended to become foster parents. We never even considered adopting
domestically. The thought literally never crossed our minds.
Do you ever
speak words that come back to haunt you? I did once. Ok, a few times, but at least once on this very topic.
The day
before "T" and "M" came to live with us I attended Created for Care, a
retreat/conference for adoptive moms. I was speaking with a woman whose
family had been praying about starting the journey of adopting from Ethiopia.
She asked me a question I could tell had been on her mind for some time.
She asked me how I answer people who want to know why we are adopting from
Africa and not “here”. Here being in the US.
I gave my
wise Christian answer (insert sarcasm here) - we prayed about it and feel like God has our
children in Africa... and then I told her the need is greater there. Kids in the
US have roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their
tummies. Their parents are not dying of AIDS at alarming rates and they are not
dying themselves of dirty water. Simple. The need is greater. I. Spoke. Those. Words.
Friends, I
was wrong. Hear me. I. WAS. WRONG.
While yes,
children in Africa (or Russia or India or Haiti) are more likely to be on the
streets in the only shirt they own begging for food and living in a cardboard
box because their parents are dead or sick, the effect parentlessness has on
them is NO GREATER than the effect of parentlessness on vulnerable children
right “here”.
Dr. Purvis says “their brains are different”. Kids from "hard places" - their brains are
different. The reason their brains are different is because of the lack of
nurturing they received prenatally and during the first few years of their
lives.
Their brains
are different because no one nurtured them.
No one met their needs.
No one
loved them.
There are six risk
factors that put a child into this category: difficult pregnancy, difficult
birth, early hospitalization, abuse, neglect and trauma. (Certainly
malnutrition plays a critical role and can have dramatic affects on development
but a child who was hungry and nurtured will be better off than a child who had
a full belly but no nurture.)
When T and M
came to live with us I was SHOCKED to see the exact same behaviors we
had read about and come to expect from our little one coming to us from an
orphanage in a third world country. In my naive mind they would be "normal". They had a roof, clothes and food. (most of the time) They even had a parent. I thought they would be a little shaken up but fair pretty well.
I was wrong.
Their brains are different BUT their needs are the same. The same as children in Africa. Children in Russia, India and Haiti. The need for lovers of Jesus to fight for them is the same.
When we went through foster care training over the summer our instructor shared statistics that were startling to me at the time. I just didn't know:
246 kids in foster care ages 0 - 5
118 kids in care ages 6 - 11
344 kids in care ages 12 - 18
50 kids in care ages 19 - 21 (this number may be the saddest as these kids are holding out to the very last minute for a family to call their own)
Nearly 800 kids are in foster homes in Jefferson County. 800 kids. Ironically, in the state of Kentucky there are 800 KIDS READY TO BE ADOPTED. Did you know that? Six months ago, I did not.
There are a lot of myths regarding foster care and adopting from the foster system. Unfortunately, the only stories that receive media attention are ones where a birth parent shows up years later and demands their kid back. Or stories of kids who linger in the states care for years and years. While these things do happen, they are not the norm in Kentucky. More importantly, the system may be broken, but God is sovereign.
No one reading these words is immune from receiving a phone call today that will change their life. Your life. My life. We are not in control. Of anything. Biological kids, internationally adopted kids, foster kids.They all belong to Him.
Did you know...
Did you know adopting from foster care is essentially free? FREE.
Did you know biological parents have no way of gaining back custody of their children once parental rights are terminated? NO. WAY.
Did you know children enter foster care through no fault of their own? They are victims of the adults who were supposed to take care of them.
Did you know in the state of Kentucky the Safe Families for Children Act prevents kids from lingering in the system?
Did you know you are provided a per diem to care for the foster kids in your home? Did you know this per diem continues for most children even after they have been adopted? Did you know kids from foster care can go to any state college for free?
Did you know you can take your foster kids across state lines, enroll them in daycare and have babysitters?
Did you know you will get attached?
And it will be hard?
It will.
In the paraphrased words of Amy Monroe "You can handle getting attached and getting hurt. You're an adult. You can handle it. They are kids."
These kids you are afraid of loving too much - they are dying for someone to love them like that. While they are not dying from poverty, disease or hunger, their needs are the same.
If you'd like to learn more about adopting from foster care in KY visit the KY Department for Family Services. If you are interested in foster care or adoption in another state visit Focus on the Family.
My prayer is that this post would shine a light on the needs of children right "here". Please contact me if you have questions about our experience or if I can help you prayerfully begin the journey of foster care. lindsy.wallace AT gmail DOT com
So what did you tell Susan about the baby?
ReplyDeleteWe just had our second Safe Families sib set leave.
We are not eligible to foster because California has a max of 6 kids in a home, and we currently have 7, with one on the way from China. We were licensed here in 2009, but at the time, there were more homes than kids in care, due to budget cuts.
Well, she almost called us about the baby but another worker was able to find a home for them. Shew - a baby would rock our world right now! :-)
DeleteI really appreciated this post. I'm not sure if we were at the same C4C (I was there in March). One of the difficult things I experienced at c4c was hearing this very same thing. It was a little bit hard to hear this from so many people, that the need was greater in Africa {or whatever country people were adopting from}. It hit a little personally, like my son didn't necessarily need me. I'm relieved to see people realize that the need is great in our own backyard. I know that's not why everyone adopts internationally. I believe in international adoption. I just don't believe in it out of thinking that the need is greater over there. I hope this didn't come across to harsh--that wasn't my intent!
ReplyDeleteAmber I'm so sorry you experienced this at C4C! I can only speak for myself and say that it has taken YEARS for my eyes to open and my heart to break for the things that break His. Part of the reason I wrote this post was to prayerfully bring this method of thinking into light! Will you be at C4C next year? I'd love to meet you in real life:-)
DeleteWonderful post Lindsy. I was also shocked at the similarities of emotional trauma that our foster son has exhibited compared to everything I've read in relation to international adoptees. There is definitely a huge need for Christian foster and adoptive homes.
ReplyDeleteLindsy, I love this post! Beautifully done! Carol Lozier
ReplyDeletePowerful post, Lindsy. "the system may be broken, but God is sovereign" - I need to post that where I can see it right now. Thank u.
ReplyDeleteAs an adoptive mom of two from foster care all I can say is "AMEN!!" The children here don't have the visible physical needs, but they have the same emotional needs. Thank you for putting this out there!
ReplyDeleteIn the paraphrased words of Amy Monroe "You can handle getting attached and getting hurt. You're an adult. You can handle it. They are kids."
ReplyDeleteTruth that cut straight to my heart.
Great post and food for thought... I'll be at C4C in March!!
ReplyDeleteI started out trying to adopt out of foster care but in January, after 2 years of waiting, I jumped ship and am now adopting a waiting child from DRC. I tell people when they ask the why not "our own" you should take care of our own, that a child is a child is a chil, 1 less is 1 less. I will adopt out of foster care 1 day, I will also be a foster parent for as long as I can. I find that the people who are asking this aren't really doing anything much for anyone, most people who give to charities, volunteer, contribute to any part of society realize that all of us are children of the same God and we're all a part of this global village. Some people can adopt internationally, we just need to let them because not everyone can and obviously it is needed. We're not even denting this orphan crisis so the real question we should be asking each other is why not you? Who cares from where we adopt, just do it. If you can't then help someone else with that. This was the perfect post for National Adoption Awareness Month!!!! I love foster care and I love to talk about it. I am thankful for this month because it's given me a reason to relentlessly post about foster care adoption on my facebook. God Bless you
ReplyDeleteThis was us, too. We tried "here." after 10 months waiting, with very open parameters (0-4, 1 or 2 kids, SN ok) there were no kids "here" for us. We found dd on a photo listing because I was looking for foster kids in other states. Our dd just happened to be in China. Now that we've btdt, it was natural for us to return there for our next adoption.
DeleteI'm very blessed that even though we can't foster, we are a Safe Family, and we've had 2 sib sets come through our home while we're waiting on our second adoption.
My parameters were pretty open as well. Same as your family's pretty much and I just couldn't believe there weren't any kids matching my critiria and the ones who did had hundreds of families sending in homestudies. Also in MN there are a large number of Native American kids available for adoption but they don't let anyone without Native blood lines adopt these kiddos so that is a big let down when trying to bring children into your family. Congratulations Shecki on your family and God Bless you.
DeleteGreat post! I did not know any of this about fostering in KY (we live near Lexington). We adopted internationally because the orphanage, run by life-long friends of my parents, approached us first (otherwise we'd still be childless). We knew immediately that we needed a sibling for our first one, so we adopted from that same orphanage again two years later. Not long after that we heard about a third child from a different country and we were so drawn to her that we adopted her even though we were in difficult circumstances at the time. As we were in the process of adopting her, our agency approached us about yet another child who was in an emergency situation, and we adopted her with just a few weeks' notice. Four international adoptions in the last four years when we really weren't planning to even adopt one. But we never intentionally set out to be an international, interracial family, let alone a family with four special needs children. Meanwhile, a KY friend of ours was attempting to adopt through foster care and was utterly heartbroken repeatedly as seven precious and deeply wounded children came and went through her home, each *returning* to nightmarish home situations. My friend was more devastated with each one. We told her about our first orphanage, and she had a baby son in less than a year and is now working on a second international adoption, special needs this time. After reading your post yesterday, my husband and I talked about prusuing foster care. We feel like we are overwhelmed now with the situations our very precious and much loved children have (CP, FASD, hearing loss, attachment issues, sensory integration issues, etc.), but when we hear that there aren't enough homes for children here in our own state and that there are *800* KY children eligible for adoption, and in such an impoverished state at that (the eastern side, anyway), we are grieved. With my own "avoidant" attachment style, I might be better able to deal with the kinds of situations that so broke my friend's heart, the children coming into the relative peace of our home then going home to horrific circumstances, but I don't know if my children would deal well with it. There is much to think about. I am glad that you posted. Adoption receives a lot more internet "press" right now, it seems like.
ReplyDeleteSleepy Knitter thank you for commenting and sharing your story!
DeleteYour friends experience is another one of those that scares people away from foster care. It is certainly something that has crossed our minds as well - what will we do if/when they leave. There are days I am at peace with them leaving because I know while the system may be broken, my God is sovereign. There are also days where I feel suffocated by the thought of our boys leaving our home. I can certainly see how experiencing it seven times would feel devastating.
I love hearing other peoples stories, adoption and otherwise, and being reminded that the Lord is writing them all for us!
i some how ran across your blog a few weeks ago. so thankful... we are beginning the journey of foster-to-adopt here in the state of GA. we were originally matched with a sibling group (6yr girl, 5yr boy) but that fell through when they were returned to their birth mother. it was heartbreaking and we were called to trust in very real ways that God is sovereign. i still grieve their loss and will pray for those children every day of my life.
ReplyDeletewe are now starting transitional visits with a 2yr old boy. he is not free for adoption yet. but we feel god has called us to parent him for whatever time he sees fit. we have 2 biological boys, ages 7yr and 5yr.
Thank you for this post! Foster care has always been my heart's cry, and I am thankful for that. My husband and I were officially licensed in September of 2011. When we began the process, my prayer was often, "God, protect my heart from the hurt that will come when we have to let babies/kids go." One day on the way to work, I was singing along with Hillsong United's Hosanna, and the Holy Spirit about knocked me over at this part - "Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours." I've heard that song a hundred times, but at that moment I was convicted to truly seek a broken heart over what breaks God's heart. God told me that it is more important for me to feel the healing he gives to a broken heart than it is for him to keep my heart from hurting.
ReplyDeleteWe had two precious babies placed with us in February. After seven months they were moved to a Grandmother's in another city. While I am fully confident she loves her grands, I am also confident that these boys should share mine and my husband's last name. (So many details I can't explain here.) There is a chance we will be reunited with the boys. We have a permanency planning court hearing in February. The hurt of letting these boys go in October was unreal. There are no words that can explain how hard it is to let babies you have loved as your own and nursed back to health go into an environment that isn't what they deserve.
It's been 8.5 weeks and I have worked through most of the stages of grief. It's hard to focus on healing when there is a court date in a few months that will change our lives drastically - one way or the other. No matter what happens in court, my husband and I will foster again. It is so worth it! There are so many people outside of our boys we were able to share the love of Christ with. I didn't go into this thinking about all of the doctors, nurses, daycare workers, social workers, and strangers we would be able to share our 'call' to foster with. So many opportunities to make much of Jesus!
Amazing post, Lindsay! Love the truth and conviction in your words! At the end of the day, ALL children deserve to be loved and in a family. My heart breaks for the abandoned and the lonely no matter where they are. Love your heart! And, are you going to C4C this year?! I'll be there in march... Would love to meet in person!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jenny! I'll be at C4C in January!
DeleteCan you send some of your babies to Idaho? :) Only kidding, however, my husband I were turned away from the state because we want to adopt, not foster. So, be aware that if you want to adopt children out of the foster system you have to foster first in hopes that one will come available for adoption. Even nation-wide, there is no hope of adopting only. We were told that if a child under 5 comes up for adoption, there are hundreds of homestudies submitted within the first week. So, it's not that there aren't enough adoptive homes in the US, it's that most want to adopt, not risk fostering. . .We are currently praying through the decision. Thank you for your story. I definitely need to remember that even though it's a broken system, we have a Sovereign God.
ReplyDeleteAlli I'm not familiar with how things work in other states but in KY there are currently over 800 kids who are available for adoption right now. You do not have to foster first, these children have already had their parental rights terminated. You do have to go through the same training that is required of foster parents... I'm sure different states have different policies!
Delete