spilling the beans... so that you'll be on your knees

I knew one day this post would come. I've started it in my head a dozen different times. It's never made it to paper or been pecked out on my keyboard. Until tonight.

But tonight is not how I wanted this to go. Tonight is hard. Tonight I am typing through tears as I wonder where two little boys are. I wonder if they are safe. Have they eaten? Has his diaper been changed? Who is with them? What are they doing? Has anyone told them they are loved and how precious they are?

On March 22nd, I met two little boys who have forever changed me. It wasn't something I shared here for reasons that are now irrelevant (or maybe not... but I'll deal with that later) but we are a "Host Family" for the Safe Families for Children program.

We learned about Safe Families last fall after Ethiopia denied our case. We knew it would take another year to bring home a kiddo from the DRC. We knew our home and hearts were ready for more kids. So we signed up.

As I've said before it is an amazing program. We adore the model. But 10% of the time, it doesn't work out. Reunification is not achieved.

We joked. "Watch, our first placement.. we'll be the 10%. We are the 10% people." 

We went through 30 hours of training and asked our home study agency and placement agency if it was ok. In that order.

Then nothing happened. The Louisville chapter was brand new and they didn't expect any placements until this summer.

But mid March I got an email. There were two kids who might need a host family. Would we be interested? I called William. I thought he would say no. He has always said we will grow our family one kid at a time. I thought he would extend this policy to hosting as well.

He didn't. He said "Well, that's why we signed up."

A few days went by and we waited. The mother of the children, who we found out were two and four year old boys, had some reservations about the program. She wanted to meet us.

(Side note: I have never wanted to look more normal in my life.)

We knew very little about the situation, only that mom had a mentor in her life who would be coming to the meeting along with our Safe Families case coach. We met at a pizza place. We came up with a transition plan.

We played at the park. They visited our house. They spent the night. And then they moved in.

One day there will be another post about the joys and trials of caring for two children who are not your own. The unbelievably funny things that four kids under the age of five talk about in the back of the van. What bedtime is like for kids who have never had a bedtime.

But this is not that post.

We realized pretty early on that our placement was not typical. That what Safe Families looks for in their families was not the make up of this family. So we did something we had never before discussed.

We became state certified foster parents.

Being approved to adopt internationally and being an approved host family are not the same thing as being able to care for kids in the care of the state. We felt like one day these boys may end up in the states care. If that happened they would not have been able to live with us. Unless we became state certified.

Then, what felt like suddenly, we were told that they would be transitioning back to mom. We had reservations about this but had no tangible reason to give. This is the reason we signed up for Safe Families, to preserve a family, but somehow it didn't feel like that. It felt wrong. It wasn't time.

What has happened since then, I'm not sure I can put into words. Everything I thought about caring for orphans has been challenged. (Everything except we are commanded to do it.) 

Everything I thought about adoption and birth parents and orphans in the US and attachment parenting and protecting your "own" family and redefining family... it was all tossed in the air and fell back down onto the Cross.

I have begged God to show me the next step. Just the next one, not the end. Just "what now?"

He still hasn't done that. We are still waiting. He is still writing this story.

Tonight, I do not know where those boys are. My heart is breaking for them because they probably don't know where they are either.

The situation has come to a critical point.  We believe what happens next will reveal our next step. What happens next will change the trajectory of all of our lives.

We need you to be on your knees. These boys need you to be on your knees. Pray for them. Pray for their protection. Pray for their hearts. Pray that they are bold and brave. Pray that the reality of the situation is seen by those who need to see it.

These boys belong to the Lord. He knows exactly where they are. They are in His hands. We are resting in this truth tonight.